Raising Sam

Having a baby bump and being a new Mom are very different experiences.  As a pregnant woman I had romanticized fantasies and idealized images of motherhood.  Maternity was all about ME and my bump.  Life consisted of buying lots of cute maternity clothes, taking pregnancy pictures, planning baby showers, picking out adorable baby outfits, and daydreaming about what my baby would look like. Would he have big brown eyes like me, or his Dad’s full lips and bright smile?  Would he be intense like me, or fun-loving like his Dad?   I could hardly wait for my dream of having my sweet wide-eyed baby boy cooing and smiling up at me, turn into a reality.  Plus I was super prepared – I had read all the books, even highlighted and taken notes – I was ready.

But, as I would soon discover, no amount of books or information passed down from other Moms could have possibly prepared me for what motherhood was really about.  I think like a lot of things in life, being a Mom is something that is learned by doing.  Except that I still don’t know what I am doing half the time – I’m just doing and for now, that’s good enough.

Here are some of the things I thought as a Mother-to-be:

Once my baby came out, my stomach would go right back to its original shape

False: as soon as my son made his debut, I took one look down at my stomach, shock and disappointment must have been written all over my face because the nurse looked at me and said, “Don’t worry, the fat will come off and breastfeeding will help with that.”

Six months later, my tummy is flat(ish), but nowhere near where it was before I became pregnant!  The first month (maybe the second month too …) I still looked pregnant, sure I didn’t look nine months pregnant, but I did look about 20 weeks – I didn’t expect that!  I knew I wouldn’t have a toned tummy, but I at least thought the bump would go away!   I’ll never forget my cousin coming to visit me in the hospital and blurting out, “Wow, you still look pregnant. I thought the bump would go down right away!” Thanks a lot Jesse … alas she was right.

Breastfeeding would be easy, natural and no fuss, after all I am a maternal kind of girl, made for the role.  I thought you just bring baby to your breast and he will feed.

False again: breastfeeding was so hard and so painful! It was not natural and didn’t just happen, I had to actively work, and I mean work at it to make it happen.  The subject of breast feeding is an entire entry of itself, and I will write more about it later, but to make a long story short let’s just say – Sam had no interest in feeding from my breast, and even if he did, as a result of his lack of interest I had no milk to give him anyways!  Only after:

• painful pumping sessions with a breast pump in the bathtub (heat is supposed to help with letdown?) every hour on the hour;
• prescription medication taken three times a day to increase the milk supply and help with the flow;
• forced positive thoughts in hopes that the love would make my milk flow;
• countless phone appointments and trips back and forth to the breastfeeding clinic at the hospital (they are great there!);
• a lactation consultant;
• several calls to the La Leche League;
• taping a feeding tube to my breast with surgical tape while someone else held a syringe filled with formula and/or breast milk if I was lucky enough to squeeze out even a few drops, while we tricked Sam into thinking it was milk from my breast;
• getting frustrated with taping the tube to my breast (it’s not so easy to get a feeding tube into a baby’s mouth from the breast!) and resorting to finger feeding (google it if you don’t know what this method is and see picture above) – where you tape the feeding tube to someone’s finger (in my case the someone was my fiancé and my mother), put in baby’s mouth and pump formula through the syringe; and
• the use of a (ridiculous looking) breast shield for an entire month and a half …

we were finally breastfeeding!

My baby will NEVER sleep in the same bed as my partner and I, that’s only for ultra New Age families, my baby will sleep on demand and have a regular sleep schedule, at which time, I will have time to myself

Then I had Sam and now I have resigned myself to the fact that I might not sleep again until he is out of the house. I’m tired, exhausted actually.  For the first three months, the only way Sam would sleep was with me, literally on top of me, nuzzled into my chest.  If Sam slept, that meant that I would get to sleep, and as all new Moms know, one of the most challenging parts of the first few months is the lack of sleep.  If letting him sleep in bed with us meant ME getting sleep, than I didn’t care. I needed sleep – desperately.

Looking back at those first few months, besides the breastfeeding, the lack of sleep was by far the hardest part for me (and for my fiancé) so whatever we needed to do to ensure that we would get to sleep, that’s the way it was going to be.  This was in spite of the fact that we had pondered over sleeping arrangements for a while and decided that for us, having Sam in a separate bed would be the way to go.  We were sure we didn’t want him in our bed, but in the end he ended up in there with us, or more like with ME.  Sam slept with ME in our bed – not US as my fiance was too worried that he would roll over on Sam, being the deep sleeper that he is. I would argue with him that my motherly instincts were so strong that there was NO WAY I would roll on the baby.  I still believe this, BUT my fiance does raise a good point when he claims that that is what all mothers who end up rolling on their babies say too.  Maybe he is right.  Regardless, bed sharing felt natural and right for me during that time in Sam’s life and I am happy with my choice.   I really enjoyed the experience, it helped with the breastfeeding and it allowed Sam and I to get a good night’s sleep.  I would probably do it that way again with a second child.  But at around 3 months, we did feel that enough was enough, and were able to successfully move Sam into a crib in his own room.   He now prefers his own space to being crammed in next to me, so despite us worrying that he was getting used to being with us and that he would never get out of our bed, he made a smooth transition to his own crib in his own room.

As for daytime naps, Sam was never a daytime napper and he still isn’t.  This makes it very difficult for me to get anything done in the day, but c’est la vie!  All babies are different and Sam is a very alert, wide-eyed, curious infant who doesn’t want to miss a beat.  The only problem is I have had to change my expectations BIG TIME, as I realized early on that I wouldn’t be having much time to myself as I initially thought I would during the day.  Here is the part when you call a sitter.

I’ll have no problem leaving my baby

False: I was the girl who was planning vacations sans Sam while pregnant for the months following Sam’s birth.  Those trips never happened!  I’ll be honest, from 0-2 months, I could have left him no problem. I don’t think for the first month of his life he even knew who I was and he would have gone to anyone who cared for him at that point.  Also from 0-2 months, I didn’t have a strong attachment to him yet.  I think as with any relationship, love grows over time and it’s no different with your baby.  Also I was so focused on learning the ropes of being a new Mom and trying so hard to breastfeed, my days were spent pumping and feeding and trying to get my milk supply in – I would have GLADLY taken a vacation from all of that!  Now that is something of the past.

Six months later, when I go anywhere without Sam, even just down the street to the convenience store, I feel so naked!  It’s kind of how I used to feel before he was born when I would leave my purse or cell phone at home.  Same feeling.  I also start to really miss him after only a few hours of being away from him.  My fiancé and I went on a date the other night, just to the movies around the corner, and as we were pulling out of the driveway, I started to get this kind of sad, empty feeling, which really surprised me.  I was starting to miss Sam and we hadn’t even left the house yet!  I wonder if this will change over time, I really don’t know….

WAY more shit work than I bargained for

me at 14, clad in diaper changing gear

Fine, experienced mothers laugh all you want … but it’s true, no one tells you how much shit work is involved in this job!  Man.  How can one little baby dirty so many clothes in one day?  It’s not just the dirty diapers, but the spit up, the drool, and now that Sam is eating, his food barely makes it into his mouth; most of it ends up all over his clothes!

Let’s just say there is a good reason that I went into public relations and not nursing.  Ever since I can remember, I have had a weak stomach, especially when it comes to bodily functions and nasty, foul odours.  I remember babysitting my neighbour’s 8 month old and taking him outside into the backyard  to change his diaper (before you think I was a child abuser – it was a hot dry summer day and I was only 14!).  So as you can imagine, I was a little nervous that I would have a hard time with my own son’s bodily functions, but the good news is that I really don’t mind all the shit work involved!  Sure, there is way more of it than I ever imagined, but hey, it’s not like I was going to have dreams of cleaning my son’s shitty diaper or getting puked on for the umpteenth time in a day. The unconditional love and feeling of responsibility I have for Sam has miraculously overridden my weak stomach and I will happily get puked on for the seventh time in a day- any day.

I thought I knew what true love was

OK so I am a big cheese ball, and as cliché as it sounds, there is just no other way to say it; I never knew what love was until Sam came into my life.  I never knew it was possible to love another human being this much.  There are moments when the world stands still I love baby Sam so much.  Motherhood is true love and it’s fabulous.